{"id":2849,"date":"2019-03-01T21:57:15","date_gmt":"2019-03-01T21:57:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/?p=2849"},"modified":"2019-03-03T07:31:24","modified_gmt":"2019-03-03T07:31:24","slug":"the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/","title":{"rendered":"THE PARENTING-RELATIONSHIP-WORK QUAGMIRE\ufeff"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Now then, this ain\u2019t no \u2018how to\u2019 guide my dears. I, we, are in absolutely&nbsp; no position to push our attempts at trying to get the balance of old life, new life, parenting, earning money, not falling apart on to anyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">However, about a month ago I LOST IT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was tired, confused, desperate for more help, more love and some food. I was drowning in thoughts and washing up. I didn\u2019t have a clean bib for dinner time. I hadn\u2019t considered what the hell we we would have for our dinner. I felt like just a mum, just someone to keep the house running. The dogs eye was stuck together because he has some sort of condition at the mo. The place was a tip and I was dreading any kind of comment that acknowledged that because despite appearances, I was trying my best. The crap in the sink was my best. The unmade bed was my best. The bland mush for baby\u2019s dinner was my best. My unwashed hair, spotty face and grey eyes were my best.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I feel overwhelmed, ALL OF THE BAD OR WORRYING THINGS rise to the surface of my foggy old head and start crashing in to one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u2018Why is he not helping more?\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018Why doesn\u2019t he get it \/ why won\u2019t he tell me to stop and takeover for an hour?\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018Is my mum getting ill more quickly now? I wonder if she\u2019s had any more falls?\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018Is Elodie getting the right nutrition? What fucking milk do I, hang on WE, put her on when she\u2019s 1?\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018Fuck she\u2019s 1 soon, what shall we do for a party? We cant have a party here because the house isn\u2019t finished\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018Oh god what do I do about childcare if i go back to work?\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018What do I do about going back to work?\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018I need to do that thing on my to do list\u2026.actually those 112 things on my to do list\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018Why is no one listening to me?\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018Why do I feel guilty for going to the osteopath? Why do I have to rush back?\u2019<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I can feel myself fizz. An internal fizzing of worry and whereas years ago I could put in place the techniques to pull myself back into calm, nowadays there just isn\u2019t the time. If it\u2019s a toss up between putting the washing on or meditating, well i\u2019m afraid the washing isn\u2019t going to do itself is it?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This is just how it is though. It isn\u2019t easy working out your new roles. And when you don\u2019t understand the job spec because there isn\u2019t one and you don\u2019t know how to work together as different sorts of colleagues now, it can cause friction and creeping thoughts of resentment. Who is in charge here?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Anyway, I blew up at my husband. It wasn\u2019t pretty and it wasn\u2019t without love. In fact, I blew up&nbsp;<em>because<\/em>&nbsp;of all the love. The bundles of it that deep down might be buried under loads of other stuff just now, but is still there. And every now and then it cries \u2018hello?\u2019 I blew up because I really, really care about our relationship. Even more so now we have a baby who is learning what relationships look and feel like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was a serious conversation and because of some clever friends I had spoken to prior to erupting, it was accompanied by some suggestions.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As mentioned over&nbsp;<strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/my-first-full-day-off\/\">here<\/a><\/strong>, John\u2019s work is pretty unique; a) he genuinely LOVES what he does and is brilliant at it \u2013 I know right? b) it\u2019s essentially freelance so jobs can crop up at any time and can take him anywhere&nbsp; for any period of time, c) a lot of his work involves a lot of pre-work\u2026.so before he leaves for a show or to produce some content he needs to do all the research, all the planning, d) weekends aren\u2019t weekends anymore, they are just any other day and e) he is working so very hard at future proofing his income now that Elodie has joined us.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">All these things equal a man on a mission. And while he loves his job it\u2019s not without it\u2019s pressures. One thing about John is that he goes all in on his job. It\u2019s his dream come true and how many of us can say that about the 9-5? But meanwhile, cooooey, I\u2019m over here? I mean it ain\u2019t pretty, it\u2019s a sweaty old mess, but i\u2019m still here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Men Mars, Women Venus. Indeed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Steph from Don\u2019t Buy Her Flowers wrote an amazing piece recently about how Relationships are Hard \u2013<a href=\"https:\/\/www.dontbuyherflowers.com\/men-and-relationships\/relationships-are-hard\/\">&nbsp;here<\/a>&nbsp;\u2013 and I was literally reading each word, my eyes bulging bigger and wider as I agreed more and more with each one. And then Anna Whitehouse, the wonderful Mother Pukka opened up too \u2013&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.marieclaire.co.uk\/life\/meet-pukkas-long-term-love-637921\">here<\/a>&nbsp;\u2013 and again I was like YES GIRL ME TOO ME TOO CRY CRY.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So, although I like uniqueness to a point, turns out our relationship is bloody normal post kids. Slap bang in the middle of the norm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As mentioned before I think, we don\u2019t have any regular help since baby arrived. And actually it gets my back up a little when suggestions of \u2018lets get someone in?\u2019 are thrown my way. Because i cant accurately describe the help I need or want. It\u2019s not with baby. I\u2019ve got that. That\u2019s my job and I feel very strongly about that. It\u2019s me. Someone to make sure I\u2019m still going every now and then. I got ill this week and I just know it was because I was alone for 5 nights, not looking after myself well enough, trying to be everything, trying to prove something. Maybe I need some sort of virtual life coach to pop into my head at certain intervals with \u2018have you had any water today?\u2019 \u2018remember to defrost that dinner of yours so you can have that and get to bed at a reasonable hour\u2019 and \u2018go to fucking bed you lunatic!\u2019. Maybe it\u2019s a life hacker person to save me some precious time. Ok, I need a time fairy.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I wander round the house with baby during the day and make mental notes of all the things I really need to get done \u2018tonight\u2019, once she\u2019s down. I hardly ever get to them and sometimes I\u2019m fine with that, other times I\u2019m not. Because some times one of those things is writing, which I love. It fills me up some how.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Anyway, jesus. \u2018Mini blog\u2019 my flat arse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">During the BLOW UP, I indicated that because of John\u2019s work set up, we don\u2019t have weekends. We don\u2019t have two days a week where the agenda is generally clear, where we can wake up and be like \u2018what shall we do today\u2026all three of us\u2019 as opposed \u2018what are you doing today? There\u2019s nothing lonelier than that question sometimes, where you ask your partner what&nbsp;<em>they<\/em>&nbsp;are up to today. Where did the \u2018we\u2019 go?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So our plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We now really make an effort to of a Sunday, identify up to two days in the upcoming week where we have family time, what perhaps normal couples would see as a weekend. So it might be a Thursday afternoon and a Sunday. It could be a Monday and a Friday morning. These days are also where I don\u2019t have to do the morning or evening baby shifts \u2013 so the first feed and breakfast up to first nap, or the dinner and bath time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once the air had cleared and a plan agreed, I obviously bought a weekly planner notebook thing from Sainsbury\u2019s. But I felt lighter, we both felt excited, reset and focused on this new beginning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As he flew off to another exciting job, we both felt genuinely invigorated as a couple as to how it was going to be when he got back.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And thats the path we are currently on.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Family days don\u2019t mean having to book something or spend loads money. It could be just time together at home, duties shared. It could be a day trip or family visit. It could be, and has been, batch cooking some mush for baby dinners. But they are \u2018we\u2019 days.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Our new WEekends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Vx<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"769\" height=\"1024\" data-attachment-id=\"2839\" data-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/27e409ae-a41d-4d36-9bd8-b5aa372fea57\/\" data-orig-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/27E409AE-A41D-4D36-9BD8-B5AA372FEA57-e1551476147841.jpeg?fit=2320%2C3088&amp;ssl=1\" data-orig-size=\"2320,3088\" data-comments-opened=\"1\" data-image-meta=\"{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;6&quot;}\" data-image-title=\"27E409AE-A41D-4D36-9BD8-B5AA372FEA57\" data-image-description=\"\" data-image-caption=\"\" data-large-file=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/27E409AE-A41D-4D36-9BD8-B5AA372FEA57-e1551476147841.jpeg?fit=769%2C1024&amp;ssl=1\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/27E409AE-A41D-4D36-9BD8-B5AA372FEA57-e1551476147841-769x1024.jpeg?resize=769%2C1024\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-2839\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/27E409AE-A41D-4D36-9BD8-B5AA372FEA57-e1551476147841.jpeg?resize=769%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 769w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/27E409AE-A41D-4D36-9BD8-B5AA372FEA57-e1551476147841.jpeg?resize=225%2C300&amp;ssl=1 225w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/27E409AE-A41D-4D36-9BD8-B5AA372FEA57-e1551476147841.jpeg?resize=768%2C1022&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/27E409AE-A41D-4D36-9BD8-B5AA372FEA57-e1551476147841.jpeg?w=2000 2000w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 769px) 100vw, 769px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Now then, this ain\u2019t no \u2018how to\u2019 guide my dears. I, we, are in absolutely&nbsp; no position to push our attempts at trying to get the balance of old life, new life, parenting, earning money, not falling apart on to anyone. However, about a month ago I LOST IT. I was tired, confused, desperate for more help, more love and some food. I was drowning in thoughts and washing up. I didn\u2019t have a clean bib for dinner time. I hadn\u2019t considered what the hell we we would have for our dinner. I felt like just a mum, just someone to keep the house running. The dogs eye was stuck together because he has some sort of condition at the mo. The place was a tip and I was dreading any kind of comment that acknowledged that because despite appearances, I was trying my best. The crap in the sink was my best. The unmade bed was my best. The bland mush for baby\u2019s dinner was my best. My unwashed hair, spotty face and grey eyes were my best. When I feel overwhelmed, ALL OF THE BAD OR WORRYING THINGS rise to the surface of my foggy old head and [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2826,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2849","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>THE PARENTING-RELATIONSHIP-WORK QUAGMIRE\ufeff - Vicky Gooden<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"THE PARENTING-RELATIONSHIP-WORK QUAGMIRE\ufeff - Vicky Gooden\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Now then, this ain\u2019t no \u2018how to\u2019 guide my dears. I, we, are in absolutely&nbsp; no position to push our attempts at trying to get the balance of old life, new life, parenting, earning money, not falling apart on to anyone. However, about a month ago I LOST IT. I was tired, confused, desperate for more help, more love and some food. I was drowning in thoughts and washing up. I didn\u2019t have a clean bib for dinner time. I hadn\u2019t considered what the hell we we would have for our dinner. I felt like just a mum, just someone to keep the house running. The dogs eye was stuck together because he has some sort of condition at the mo. The place was a tip and I was dreading any kind of comment that acknowledged that because despite appearances, I was trying my best. The crap in the sink was my best. The unmade bed was my best. The bland mush for baby\u2019s dinner was my best. My unwashed hair, spotty face and grey eyes were my best. When I feel overwhelmed, ALL OF THE BAD OR WORRYING THINGS rise to the surface of my foggy old head and [&hellip;]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Vicky Gooden\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-03-01T21:57:15+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2019-03-03T07:31:24+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/8E2F84D5-46EC-4E78-99A9-77271CC0C202-1024x468.jpeg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1024\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"468\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"vickygooden\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"vickygooden\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/index.php\\\/2019\\\/03\\\/01\\\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/index.php\\\/2019\\\/03\\\/01\\\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"vickygooden\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/55f0fefd1362b05c0a7ab8f5563b8c54\"},\"headline\":\"THE PARENTING-RELATIONSHIP-WORK QUAGMIRE\ufeff\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-03-01T21:57:15+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2019-03-03T07:31:24+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/index.php\\\/2019\\\/03\\\/01\\\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":1441,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/index.php\\\/2019\\\/03\\\/01\\\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/i0.wp.com\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2019\\\/03\\\/8E2F84D5-46EC-4E78-99A9-77271CC0C202.jpeg?fit=2825%2C1292&ssl=1\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"http:\\\/\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/index.php\\\/2019\\\/03\\\/01\\\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\\\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/index.php\\\/2019\\\/03\\\/01\\\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\\\/\",\"url\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.vickygooden.com\\\/index.php\\\/2019\\\/03\\\/01\\\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\\\/\",\"name\":\"THE PARENTING-RELATIONSHIP-WORK QUAGMIRE\ufeff - 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I, we, are in absolutely&nbsp; no position to push our attempts at trying to get the balance of old life, new life, parenting, earning money, not falling apart on to anyone. However, about a month ago I LOST IT. I was tired, confused, desperate for more help, more love and some food. I was drowning in thoughts and washing up. I didn\u2019t have a clean bib for dinner time. I hadn\u2019t considered what the hell we we would have for our dinner. I felt like just a mum, just someone to keep the house running. The dogs eye was stuck together because he has some sort of condition at the mo. The place was a tip and I was dreading any kind of comment that acknowledged that because despite appearances, I was trying my best. The crap in the sink was my best. The unmade bed was my best. The bland mush for baby\u2019s dinner was my best. My unwashed hair, spotty face and grey eyes were my best. When I feel overwhelmed, ALL OF THE BAD OR WORRYING THINGS rise to the surface of my foggy old head and [&hellip;]","og_url":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/","og_site_name":"Vicky Gooden","article_published_time":"2019-03-01T21:57:15+00:00","article_modified_time":"2019-03-03T07:31:24+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1024,"height":468,"url":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/8E2F84D5-46EC-4E78-99A9-77271CC0C202-1024x468.jpeg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"vickygooden","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"vickygooden","Est. reading time":"7 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/"},"author":{"name":"vickygooden","@id":"https:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/#\/schema\/person\/55f0fefd1362b05c0a7ab8f5563b8c54"},"headline":"THE PARENTING-RELATIONSHIP-WORK QUAGMIRE\ufeff","datePublished":"2019-03-01T21:57:15+00:00","dateModified":"2019-03-03T07:31:24+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/"},"wordCount":1441,"commentCount":0,"image":{"@id":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.vickygooden.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/8E2F84D5-46EC-4E78-99A9-77271CC0C202.jpeg?fit=2825%2C1292&ssl=1","inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/","url":"http:\/\/www.vickygooden.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/01\/the-parenting-relationship-work-quagmire\/","name":"THE PARENTING-RELATIONSHIP-WORK QUAGMIRE\ufeff - 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Yikes. The juggle is real. \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014 \u2018Find a new hobby; learn something new\u2019. Pah. 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We\u2019re off formula so is that it done? We have completed the weaning mission? Who knows. 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