So it’s almost two weeks since I started to lose my first ever pregnancy. Clinging on to the bathroom sink, rocking back and forth before the ambulance arrived, my body cruelly experiencing contractions.
Right now I should be almost 8 weeks pregnant, willing on the 12 week scan to breathe a brief sigh of relief to have made it to that milestone.
But. I’m not pregnant.
Vicky, you are not pregnant. It’s gone.
This is the reality. It’s been hard to stomach, accept. But it’s the truth. And if my foray into mindfulness over the past year has taught me anything, it’s not to dwell on the past, and not to fear the future. Neither exist. Only the here and now.
I’m making it sound very easy. It’s not easy in this particular situation. I haven’t just lost a set of keys. I’ve lost a little growing bud. Rapidly dividing and developing cells that were to become our little baby in but the blink of an eye. How soon they develop little stumpy hands, a disproportionate little head at first. The miracle of life indeed. The pregnancy was the start of the new me. Mummy me. I’ve longed to be her for so long. She’s in there, bursting to get out and be. So yes, not a bunch of keys. A new life, our new true love.
When I say I can’t believe it has happened, that there be the truth. Like I literally couldn’t believe I wasn’t pregnant anymore, even when I was returning home from hospital, doing wet blinks at the ward discharge report that read very clearly that it was a cervical ectopic pregnancy, non viable. I was looking at the ultrasound scans of my insides, showing yes a gestation sac where the start of a baby was happening, but it wasn’t in my womb.
I haven’t cried today. Or yesterday…did I? No wait. It’s a blur. Yes I did. First thing.
But today I have woken up and made a to do list. And I haven’t done that in weeks. So this must be a good sign. It’s not a hefty list. I need to book a vets appointment, start my new book, post a birthday card, blog (hi!) and go for a walk. I’ve even meandered off list and booked some house viewings for Wednesday and attended an Instagram live session with Jody Shield.
Because you know what? Days ago everything felt pointless, including me. But my husband reminded me that the grand plan hasn’t changed. We’ve had a set back. A heartbreaking set back. We still want to move house, we still want to start a family. The focus hasn’t changed, the timing has. So I need to get back on track, and his advice was to tackle one more thing today than I did yesterday. Gently does it.
So I’m focusing on right now. And when I reached that breakthrough this morning that this is the only thing that makes sense, I got a poignant little message underlining this. A dear friend and I are meeting in Nottingham next week to see Rent – hoorah! One key line from a song in Rent is ‘No Day But Today’. When said friend moved into his new pad in Manchester a few years back, I bought him a print of this lyric and while we were messaging earlier, he messaged me a pic of the print hung in his house. There it was, in black and white. There’s just no day but today.
Today I feel hopeful, not hopeless.
So I’m going with that.
I’ve spoken, well typed, with some inspirational ladies over these two weeks who have had it much worse than I on the road to motherhood. And what do we do? We rally around each other, as strangers yet as friends, with words and kindness and support to encourage each other along on this journey. All willing each other on with the formidable belief that this will happen for us.
I was lucky enough to be offered a freebie acupuncture session with my fertility acupuncturist on Saturday because she’s basically an angel sent from heaven above. She said to let myself be a space cadet for a bit. Float around. Just get by however I can. And she was right. She also told me to be kind to myself because my body, emotions, hormones have gone through enough of late and continue to do so. Now’s not the time (is there ever a time?) to beat myself up further or try and find all the answers to all of the questions.
While we’re on the subject of angel acupuncturists sent from heaven above, any Herts based wannabe mammas out there? I really recommend her. She is Hannah Watson and works out of St Albans and Hertford – https://www.hwchinesemedicine.com/.
I mentioned that I tuned in to an Instagram Live session earlier with Jody Shield, author of Life Tonic. She covered topics around career and balance in this half hour and it made me think about this blog and documenting all this very personal stuff. She mentioned that we all have many gifts to put out into the world and that we really have to focus in on our why. I’m not sure I have a so called gift for writing, but I know why I decided to put all this out there. Because it’s the truth and I don’t want to hide behind it anymore. I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with other ladies (and men) who have been through this and quit pretending. I’m proud of myself. And them. Going through surgeries, IVF and loss and still standing.
One of the parting messages Jody gave us was that in moments of doubt, she always comes back to trust. Trusting that it is always going to work out.
So, I’m going with that too.