The inside of my head this morning


Oh god, oh god, oh god.

What if I never get pregnant and have a baby? What then hey? Unthinkable. That can’t happen. It just can’t. I think I’d break if it did. My heart, my spirit.

I’m 35 and you know what they say when a woman is 35. It’s all downhill from now on fertility wise.

I can actually see me giving birth. I visualise it. I cradle my baby skin to skin when it’s still covered in gunk. My baby has a name. A better one for a boy than if it was a girl, but still.

I wonder how many eggs I’ve got left. Should I get my AMH reading done again? I’ll ask the IVF clinic tomorrow about that.

Why am I still bleeding? It’s two weeks today since the nightmare started. I’m fed up with seeing blood. Still got pains too. Is that ok?

When we have IVF again late summer, how many embryos shall we put back? Because might I be more susceptible to another ectopic so therefore should we risk putting more than one in?

Should I book some time off work when that next round happens? I mean, yes. I will. Especially in that first 9 days. Relaxation and happiness. Ok good. That’s the priority. Focus.

Work will probably get fed up with me won’t they.

Wonder what my HCG Level is now. We’ll find out tomorrow when I’m back at the hospital but I really hope it’s less than 5 so I can start taking vitamins and folic acid again. Because the chemo shot has probably zapped all the stores of goodness I worked on building for so long. Need to replenish that asap.

What am I doing with my life? Career? What am I supposed to be besides a mother? Must work on that. I’ve got ideas, I’ve got passion and skills, need to take more action and widen my circles. Got to keep learning.

I want to help people. People like me. That’s all I’m clear on. Something worthy. Something helpful.

I’ll make a to do list in a minute.

God I wish I’d started looking into my fertility in my twenties. If you’re in your twenties or even early thirties and you think you’ll want a family down the line, please consider that.

I’ll defo get pregnant and have a baby. Of course I will. It’s just been a bit of an uphill climb to get there is all. Once it happens it will seem so easy.

Just one baby. One little hand to hold. One little bum to clean.

Is John really as confident about it as he says he is? Bless him. He isn’t worried at all. He thinks it’s a given. I hope he’s right.

I’m going to try and be a brilliant mum. To raise a wonderful little friend. Caring, considerate, kind.

John will be an awesome dad. I can’t let him down.

How do people who get pregnant naturally DO THAT? It baffles me.

What if I never can?

Ok, it’s almost 8am. Enough.

Time to meditate and calm the brain fuzz.



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