I haven’t blogged for a while. I’ve found it hard to work out what I’m doing here. Who would be interested? Am I helping anyone? Because that to me is the key.
One subject that seems obvious for me to write about and that I enjoy now is motherhood. It’s taken a journey and a half to get to this point in my life and I truly believe sharing stories, worries, anxieties and tips is just brilliant for those it may benefit.
But still in the very pit of my dimpled belly of late I’ve had a niggling that maybe my posts and Instagram pics and stories might be a bit much for those who are trying to conceive. I’ve crossed over to the other side of the fence.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t for one second think I’m that influential that anything I post could have any real impact on someone’s day. But nevertheless, the niggle is real. And it makes me feel torn and unsure.
Then I think back to when I was as the absolute desperate end of infertility and not knowing if I’d ever be a mum and how one day I chose to take control of what I would and wouldn’t see on my social feeds for that period of my life. A temporary reshuffle of the cards.
I unfollowed. Unsubscribed. Both people I knew (yep!) and people I didn’t. I felt rude and stupid in fact that a bunch of pics and tales could get to me so much.
But I couldn’t bloody stand to see anyone having a so called dreamy life. Pregnancy and birth announcements were like stabs to my heart, making my whole body heavy with a sense of sorrow and pining. The #nofilter Instagram pics that still effing well looked better than anything I was feeling or experiencing finally did my nut in.
So I said see ya!
Was it jealousy? Well yes of course it bloody was. I’m not going to sit here and be all ‘I don’t get jealous because that says more about me than anyone else’ because let’s be real yes?
I was jealous. And it was wreaking havoc with my mental health at a time that I needed to be level headed, positive and focused.
I simply needed to get some control back.
I unfollowed friends who were having babies. I unfollowed accounts about raising kids, decorating kids nurseries and baby nutrition. I unfollowed the bloody perfect people on our feeds that whilst I knew were probably just keeping up appearances I just couldn’t stomach anymore.
I filled my feed with nature and wellness and fun, those who made me feel good. And now slowly I am refollowing some of the accounts I cut out.
All this seems so banal doesn’t it? I’m writing a fucking blog about social media and following and unfollowing. Who cares? Who actually bloody cares?
But I wanted to jot it out to say this…
I will absolutely 100% not take offence or be in the slightest bit bothered if anyone reading this or currently following me, tosses me in the bin. Be it for a bit or for good. I genuinely don’t care if my followers halve because it’s quite bullshitty really isn’t it. I don’t mind if family members or the closest of friends do the offs. I would rather all of this than to be in any way a cause for sadness, no matter how fleeting.
So. I probably am going to write about motherhood, not least because it’s my reality just now. I will never mean to come across smug or as if any of this experience is taken for granted. I thank the stars every bloody day that I am where I am now. It scares me sometimes how lucky I am and how confronting it can be to not want any harm to come to this situation. It’s overwhelming.
So that’s it reallly. If you want to unfollow me tap that button without a second thought. Do it.
And actually if this post itself it annoying as in ‘errrr I’m ok love, I’m stronger than that, I don’t need to unfollow anyone’ then cool.
If you stay or if you go, we all good.